This week I did something I’ve never done before. I absolutely forgot, FORGOT, to show up to a yoga class that I had made a commitment to substitute.
I’ve never done anything like that. I’ve been teaching since 2001 and I have never NOT shown up to a class. I’ve been late to teach less than a handful of times, and I have always called to let people know.
I wrote down the dates in my Google Calendar. I confirmed with the studio owner. We even had conversations about me coming as they were going to be out of town and I would be in charge of signing in students and closing up the studio. I was quite excited to do it actually. The studio owner even sent a very detailed email kindly confirming the different substitute teachers coming in to teach while she was out of town. I browsed at that email, stored away the information that I already knew, and went about my business. I ‘knew’ I had to teach. I really did. Then what in the world happened?
I am now a mother.
I am not using it as an excuse by any means. I just continue to find that motherhood has taken up the majority of my brain. I used to be able to store information in many different parts of my brain, now they get pushed out. I absolutely HAVE to write everything down, plus set up countless reminders for myself, as many ways as I can. I didn’t set up a reminder for teaching yoga BECAUSE I’VE NEVER FORGOTTEN TO GO TEACH! I’ve forgotten to pay bills, I’ve forgotten to send out emails, I’ve forgotten to make phone calls, but never anything to do with teaching yoga 😦 I was mortified. My stomach was just a huge knot. I so wished to have a really good reason for not showing up. I even conjured up in my head the only reasons I wouldn’t show up to teach without even a phone call, and all the reasons would be awful ones that involved family catastrophe, illness, and *gulp* death.
When you step into the role of mother it’s all encompassing. All the other identities that you had prior to being MOTHER are still there, but in to way are they in any way as clearly formed as they were before. Mother, takes over, and I would venture to say, 50% of the time without me choosing it. Mother power is it’s own energy that overwhelms the others. This energy is imprinted within, and it’s primal resonance at times is palpable. My daughter is 24 weeks, and she needs Mother. I believe as her needs for Mother become less immediate, my brain will begin to open up again to receive input that includes things other than mothering and I may be able to use my brain as I had before. Or…I may just forever rely on some sort of ‘external brain’, such as an iPhone 😉
Yes, you can set boundaries to Mother energy. You can subdue the impulses. You can step away from being Mother, by choosing to close the mind and create space between you and your child and of course mothering. We’ve all seen the Super Mom’s, the ones that do it all. My question is, what is the price we pay using our Will to subdue our innate Mother? Does it thrive optimally if allowed to just pulsate as it does? Would squelching the instincts create less sensitivity as Mother? Just questions to think about.
On the evening of my missed class, during class time, I was making sure that my fiancee was supported. His back ‘went out’ you could say, and he was in a great amount of pain. He couldn’t really do anything but lay down flat in bed, as he had piercing nerve pain if he did anything else. We had gone out earlier in the day and simply watching him get in and out of the car was pretty excruciating. I can’t imagine what it actually felt like 😦 In order to give him some space to relax into the pain, because there was no getting away from it, my daughter and I went out for a walk. My mind was full of making sure my family was ok, and we all had the space we needed to feel what we needed to. As I got home, I received a phone call from the studio owner. I missed the call, as usually my phone is set to silent and I miss phone calls. I knew when I saw her name why she was calling. My stomach tightened
I let many people down.
I hate that.
I’m sorry BYS Yoga Studio. You guys are amazing and I apologize for my mistake.
I’m sorry to all those folks that I have not returned emails and phone calls to. I’m sorry to all those folks that I haven’t followed up with for a while. I’m sorry to all those that I’ve committed to do something only to recognize that I am not able to…not right now.
I am Mother and it is good. I’m still getting used to it, as it’s wrecking havoc in me at times, and I’m slowly getting to know how best to navigate this great new world. I am ready and willing to continue to churn, and deeply grateful to get the opportunity of this great blessing.